Jammin’ in the Dark

You know how sometimes things just sneak up behind you? Sometimes you are so focused on your path and everything is looking good, when suddenly the emotions and inadequacies you have stuffed down deep come raging in. And you are so unprepared!

If your like me, the one that follows you everywhere is the feeling that “I’m not good enough.”

Sometimes its at my job. Others its my mothering skills. I can have a simple, sometimes mundane, day of work, homework, dinner, dishes, and bedtimes. But when I sit down at the end of the day the feeling that I am terrible at such things come waging war on my joy. The past few days this is exactly where I find myself. Feeling like I am a failure. Like I am not good at anything. That I have no good way of serving God.

Its a pit.

One I fall in often.

The past few weeks my go-to, spirit-lifting, dance-around-the-living-room song has been Jason Gray’s song Glow in the Dark. I love the line that says, “even in the darkest place His love will make you radiate.” So, in the midst of this current stint in the pit I have been asking to radiate.

But I am more like a lump of coal- dark as can be.

Last night I saw something remarkable, as God manifested that prayer. You see, I was set to host an event. I felt completely awful and incapable, but I kept asking to shine from this dark place that I am. I showed up, and God did too. It was the largest gathering I have had in ministry. We spent time in the scriptures, in fellowship, and sipping coffee. I found myself standing there, feeling the walls of my cave around me, yet pointing my light up. It was no longer about the emotions and inadequacies I battle in warfare, but that I obeyed what He asked of me.

I didn’t have to feel like it, because I certainly didn’t.

But in the end the joy overflowed. And I wept in gladness. God had given me more than I could ask or imagine- and I don’t mean people. I mean the reassurance that it is because of the brokenness I have that He will use me. The confirmation that no matter how deep or how dark it seems, He still shines in me.

So, as Jason Gray says, I will show the world just what I am made of- Him. I won’t hide it- I will let everyone see how He helps me walk through it all.

You too. Keep shining on, no matter how deep or dark your pit feels.

And go jam to some Jason Gray, too. 🙂